


This job is easy-peasy!

by ZessOnATeaCloud



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Badass Derek Morgan, Burglars, Established Relationship, FBI agents, Fist Fights, Light-Hearted, M/M, POV Alternating, POV Outsider, Take Downs, The thiefs won't know what hit 'em, Thiefs, cursing, robbers, unsubs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23396806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZessOnATeaCloud/pseuds/ZessOnATeaCloud
Summary: This is what happens when two garden-variety thiefs decide to rob Derek and Spencer's house.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 16
Kudos: 372





	This job is easy-peasy!

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an older story of mine back when I was more into the fandom (you can guess how old it is by the fact that a dvd-player is mentioned xD) and as such would take place sometime in one of the older seasons.  
> This was originally postet in German in fanfiktion.de and is still not beta read.  
> Enjoy!

„I'm telling you, this neighborhood is the jackpot!” that's what Joe's been trying to convince me of for the last three days. I still had my doubts. The neighborhoods should not be too upscale, because if there was money there were high priced fancy alarm systems which would call for a much longer prep phase than we've had.  
I cut the headlights and slowly drove through the street, there was no such thing as being too cautious.  
“Here” Joe pointed out a nice white family home “no alarms. Was here couple o' days ago looking for a good spot. Park behind the next curve.”  
I just rolled my eyes. Sometimes I questioned myself if it was not a really stupid idea to go robbing folks with my brother. Even after our hundreth job he still had to patronize me. That's big brothers for you I guess.  
Without starting an argument I did as he said and parked behind the next curve. Close enough for a quick get away but in case anything would go south still far enough away to not be seen immediately.  
Pulling our black ski masks over our faces we stepped out of the car. I double-checked the gun under my waistband. Alright.

The big white house had a patio out back and a big screen door, that was our point of entrance. “Twenty says I'll have this baby open in under 30 seconds.”  
“Shut up, man. Less talking, more doing” with a couple of practiced movements the glass door slid open and I grinned up triumphantly. “You owe me twenty bucks” “Fuck you, Nick!” as if to emphasize his point he punched my shoulder a lot harder than necessary. Again, big brothers.  
We stepped into a spacious and very tidy kitchen. Whoever lived here apparently didn't use it much. Then my eyes landed on two bowels on the floor, both declaring to belong to “Clooney” right on them.  
“Shit Joe! You stupid fuck” I yelled at him... well, as loud as one can yell when robbing a house but Joes had already migrated into the living room.  
The family here owned a damn dog. Fucking shit! That was so typical for this lazy useless fucker, always only doing things by half.  
I found Joe in the hallway near the front door, laughing silently.  
“Hey Nick! You gotta see this. Haha! That's the most ridiculous couple I've ever seen Hahahaha! He probably lost a bet or som'thing.”  
He showed me the picture he'd found and I totally got it.  
The photo showed a black dude with shaved head and almost Hulk-like muscles making me wonder how the red shirt was not bursting at the seems. The man had his arm around a round white woman with light blond hair, eccentric glasses, flashy earrings and necklaces and a tight colorful dress. Muscle man and nerd Barbie, haha.   
That went against all laws of nature.  
“We're not here for fun. Let's grab some shit and get out o' here. Wasn't planing on spending the night.”  
Really, it was common knowledge that the likelihood of getting caught went up every minute we were here. I personally was not interested in getting caught by a guy that looked like he could rip a phone book in half.  
So I went into the living room. It was often a good place to start. It's where people kept their expensive tvs, sound systems and other pricy tech things.  
Bingo!  
There was an expensive tv here as well and “Ouch!”  
“Pssst! Damn, Nick. Shut the fuck up!”

*** 

On the floor above Reid suddenly woke up when he heard a loud crashing sound.  
He had been in the bathroom, probably one glass too much coke the evening before.  
First he did not think anything of it, could be Clooney kicking a chair in his sleep or jumping on the couch even though he knew he was not supposed to.  
But then he heard something that woke up his FBI-trained senses from their slumber. Somebody was down there, whispering.  
As silently as possible he sneaked towards the bedroom door and opened it a bit to be able to listen.  
“Try making more noise, why don't ya?! Next time we knock and ask very nicely if they let us steal something” the voice was angry, male and if he had to guess he would say in their thirties.  
“Not my fault that pink cow can't clean her shit up! God, who leaves fucking stupid books all over the goddamn floor?” a second voice, only slightly younger than the first one.  
“I give a rat's ass about the books grab something actually worth money” if they only knew just how expensive his books were, Reid thought. The second guy had most likely tripped over his first edition of War and Peace, the Russian dictionary and a couple of physics books. Reid had been too lazy yesterday to put then away.

That was enough confirmation. They were being robbed right now. It would have been quite funny in a less serious situation. If those guys had known that they were trying to rob two FBI-agents they surely would've broken into their neighbor's house.  
Just as silently as before Reid tip-toed back to bed and shook Morgan's shoulder. More sleeping than awake he opened his eyes.  
“Spencer? What i-” that was all he was able to get out before Reid clamped his hand over his mouth.   
“Unsubs, downstairs, at least two” the younger man whispered and barely finished before Morgan was out of bed. He opened their closet, behind old clothes neither of them wore anymore their safe was hidden. In it was a spare gun. Their regular guns were in their safe downstairs in the hallway hidden behind some books and completely unobtainable right now.  
Spencer had managed to call the police and warned them about two agents being present and armed so they would not shoot at Derek or himself.  
Before Derek managed to type in the complete code his boyfriend warned him “One is coming up. In the bed, let's pretend we're sleeping.”  
Who would've thought Reid could take charge like that. It made something inside him all tingly. Sadly though, this was the wrong moment for that.  
They jumped under the covers and tried to take a natural pose. Spooning was a classic and it allowed them both to keep the door within sight.

*** 

Joe sent me upstairs to look for jewlery in the bedrooms or bathrooms. A lot of times the most profitable rooms beside the living room and the most dangerous rooms as well. There was always the chance of someone waking up. I simply hoped that muscle man and the flashy Barbie were tight sleepers.  
The dog did not seem to be around, luckily.  
I was not prepared for what I saw when I opened the door of what turned out to be the master bedroom. When you go into stranger's bedrooms in the middle of the night there were all sorts of things that could happen. One time Joe and I got a bit of a too good look at an elderly nudist couple. Not good memories.  
But whatever, in this kingsize there was not that fat blond chick. It was a scrawny guy. Musle man was still there but with a guy, both pressed against each other in a way that definitely went beyond friendship.  
They were robbing gays. Just greate. This job was a disaster from beginning to end, this was confirmation.   
Quietly I had a quick look into the side tables and closet, nothing more than a watch and a laptop. Hopefully the other rooms had more to give.

***   
The guy was quick to disappear again, yet they remained in their position for a moment longer in case he came back. When they heard heavy step on the stairs going down they moved again.  
“He knows where to look and is obviously practiced. Not his first time” Derek said quietly into Spencer's ear.  
“Yes, even though they are taking unsually long.”  
Spencer got the semi-automatic out of the safe, a pair of handcuffs from the jeans Derek had worn to work yesterday and out of his messenger bag, he nodded at Derek.  
The older man was better trained in close combat and martial arts, he could hold his own without a gun just fine.  
With a trained routine they walked towards the stairs, checking the rooms they passed along the way. There still was the chance that there were more then two unsubs in their house and they could not effort mistakes, especially with Derek being unarmed.  
They should probably go for that first, if they got the chance.

Countless times they had sneaked their way around dark houses to take down unsubs but when you were doing it in your own home it was something else entirely.  
Right now Spencer tried his best not to be distracted by Derek's broad shoulders and strong naked back.  
Beside the coat rack there was the shelve with the hidden safe.

*** 

“Oh fuck these fucking books. Damn, isn't there anything useful here? Nick, hurry your ass up!” Joe was busy unplugging the tv and dvd player to at least take them. The job was nearly done and I was so ready to be done with this stupid house.  
To make sure we did not miss anything I wanted to take a quick look into that sideboard in the hall that had all the pictures on it.  
Next time I would pick the house, mark my words!

In the hallway however I looked right into the barrel of a gun. The little twink was shoving it in my face.  
“Not a sound” he said.  
“Boy, don't hurt yourself. It's a bit different than the water pistols you're used to” I can only laugh at him. A nerd with thick glasses, dressed in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt was not a very threatening sight. But it was kind of funny.  
“Should've brought your muscle man.”  
Now it was his turn to laugh and when I found myself in a choke hold the next moment I understood why.  
“He did” a deeper voice replied behind me.  
FUCK!  
“JO-echrgh!” that bastard was really choking me. Fucking shit! This is why I wanted to rob average Joe or Jane's house. A nice middle class family where daddy was an accountant and mother pre-shool teacher or something like that. Some job that did not require an indepth knowledge of self defence.  
“Nick, you got everything?” Joe called from the next room but it looked like he was not coming. Unreliable bastard.  
“Spencer, handcuffs please” what handcuffs? Please someone tell me that they were not trying to get their pink, plushy sex toys on me.  
No, the handcuffs that the scrawny one handed his lover did not look like sex toys. I've seen my fair share of handcuffs in my time and I know real ones when I see them...Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck times ten!  
Of course, the black guy was cop, that would explain how he got those damn things on me so quickly.  
“Nick, move your lazy ass already!” what an asshole, I had to remember to punch him in the face as soon as I was out of these cuffs. I was struggling against the grip of Robocop, almost choking and my dumbass brother was busy bitching.  
“Move and I will not hesitate to shoot you!” the guy named Spencer warned before I was let go so the other one could go after Joe.  
“Joe, watch out!” I was able to shout and earned a kick to the back of by knee that made me fall over. Damn, that nerdy twink was not as weak as he looked.

Spencer turned on the light and now I was able to see what was going on. Joe and the lover of the wuss behind me were fighting and I was proud to see that my brother was holding himself quite well against Robocop.  
Both were dealing out punches and receiving them. Joe was slammed into a wall put managed to knee the cop right into the stomach. Yes!  
That earned him a mean right hook and I could hear Joe's nose break. Blood gus42565hed from his nose and he groaned in pain. Joe tried punching back but the cop was able to catch the fist and twisted Joe's arm on his back. It was over.  
Both men were breathing heavily catching their breath again. The cop even had a little wound on his temple. Ha! Way to go Joe!  
“Are you alright Derek?” Spencer asked and was answered with a nod.  
“Yes, hand me the handcuffs babe?” Dereks asked and Spencer threw another pair of cuffs at the other man. What kind of fucking house was this?  
Suddenly the door busted open and two cops in uniform stormed into the living room guns held high. They also looked a bit perplexed at the picture before them.  
“Thank's for coming. SSAs Morgan and Reid with the FBI. We were able to catch the suspects and we're waiting on you.”  
Fuck this fucking shit!


End file.
